Why Presenteeism Costs More Than Compassion
Sarah Hines · Founder · Grief Advocacy, hospice practitioner and workplace grief consultant
Summary
- Grief doesn't make employees quit. It makes them show up and disappear at the same time. Sarah Hines lost her best friend while leading a sales team and missed her quota for an entire year.
- Most companies can't articulate their own bereavement policy. That gap between policy and process is where employees fall through.
- "Call me if you need anything" is not support. It transfers all the work to the person least able to do it.
- Non-bloodline losses, a best friend, a mentor, chosen family, are often excluded from policy entirely. When policy doesn't cover the loss, the message is: this grief doesn't count.
- Return to work is as important as the leave itself. Structure, shadow support, and a prepared team make the difference between belonging and erasure.
Who This Episode Is For
Managers, HR professionals, and leaders who want to move beyond policy will find this useful. It covers building a real process for supporting employees through grief, including losses that fall outside standard categories.
What You'll Learn in This Episode
- Why presenteeism from grief costs more than most HR teams realize and how to measure it.
- The difference between a policy (words on paper) and a process (structure that actually works).
- How to respond to non-bloodline losses and why policy gaps cause harm even when leave is granted.
- What to say instead of "call me if you need anything" and how to take ownership of support.
- How to prepare both the employee and the team for a successful return to work.
- How to start changing your workplace's grief response even without C-suite approval.
Key Takeaways
Presenteeism Is Silent and Expensive
When employees grieve, they rarely walk out the door. They stay, show up, and quietly check out. Sarah Hines missed her sales quota the quarter she lost her best friend, and the quarter after that. She wasn't fired. She wasn't even flagged. She was just there and not there, spending every ounce of energy suppressing her grief so she could function.
- Presenteeism means physically present, mentally and emotionally absent.
- Grieving employees redirect energy toward hiding their grief instead of doing their work.
- That cost shows up as missed targets, disengaged colleagues, and slower recovery.
- A single unsupported employee affects morale and output in ways that rarely get traced back to the loss.
- The business cost of unaddressed grief is measurable and consistently underestimated.
- Companies that respond with care see higher retention and faster return to full performance.
Most Companies Don't Know Their Own Policy
Ask most HR leaders what their bereavement policy covers. Many cannot answer without pulling up the handbook. Progressive companies differ in one specific way: they know what the policy says and they have a process that makes it real.
- A policy is words. A process is a structure with check-ins, accommodations, and defined expectations.
- Without a process, managers make decisions based on instinct, and instinct creates inconsistency.
- Two employees with identical losses can receive completely different support depending on their manager.
- Building a policy that works starts with knowing what you currently have and what's missing.
- A strong process includes scheduled check-ins at defined intervals, so employees know when to expect contact.
- That predictability removes ambiguity. Employees can focus on grieving instead of managing uncertainty.
When Policy Excludes the Relationships That Matter
Sarah lost her best friend. The company gave her time off. When she came back, the first question was about her quota. Her loss was real. But it wasn't bloodline, so it wasn't treated that way.
- Standard policies define family as spouse, parent, child, and sibling. They stop there.
- Best friends, mentors, long-term partners outside marriage, and chosen family are often left out.
- When policy doesn't cover a loss, the unspoken message is: this grief doesn't qualify.
- Rethinking who counts as immediate family is the first step toward policy that reflects how people actually live.
- Culture matters as much as the written policy. Whether colleagues acknowledge the loss shapes the entire experience.
- Grief from a best friend is not less disabling than grief from a parent. Policy should stop implying otherwise.
Stop Saying "Call Me If You Need Anything"
This phrase is everywhere, and it doesn't help. It sounds like support. What it actually does is hand all the work to the person who has the least to give. A grieving employee navigating brain fog, logistics, and emotional exhaustion is not positioned to identify their own needs, ask for them clearly, and risk rejection.
- "Call me if you need anything" transfers all the burden back to the grieving person.
- Grief creates decision fatigue. Asking someone in that state to problem-solve their own support doesn't work.
- Try specific yes-or-no offers: "Can I bring dinner, cover school pickup, or walk the dog? Pick one."
- Better: don't ask. Show up and do it. "I'm mowing your lawn Saturday." No permission needed.
- Language that actually lands is specific, concrete, and low-burden for the person receiving it.
- Long-term support matters most. Set a check-in schedule and keep it through month two, three, and six.
Return to Work Needs Structure, Not Just Intention
The first day back from bereavement leave is one of the most exposed moments in the entire experience. How the team responds, whether they've been prepared, and what structure is in place shapes whether the employee feels welcomed or quietly erased.
- Record team calls during leave and share the links without requiring the employee to watch them.
- Add a personal note: "We're thinking of you. No pressure to catch up on any of this."
- Before the employee returns, ask what they want colleagues told and who they trust most.
- Have shadow support ready: someone taking notes in meetings and documenting key decisions.
- Preparing both the employee and the team before the return is what separates intentional support from good intentions.
- On day one, a brief, warm acknowledgment is enough. The employee sets the pace from there.
About Sarah Hines
- Founder of Grief Advocacy, with over 25 years working in home hospice, children's hospice, as a death doula, and as a funeral celebrant.
- Lost her best friend in 2015 while leading a sales team. That experience of grieving without support sparked her pivot to workplace grief consulting.
- Developed the Leading Through Loss program, now serving HR teams and leaders across industries, with particular depth in healthcare.
- Believes the business case for grief support is at least as compelling as the human one. Both point to the same answer: build a process, not just a policy.
Connect with Sarah on LinkedIn →
Frequently Asked Questions
What is presenteeism and why does it matter for grief support?
Presenteeism is when an employee shows up physically but isn't mentally or emotionally present. Sarah Hines missed her sales quota for an entire year after losing her best friend. All her energy went toward suppressing grief, leaving nothing for her work or her team. The business cost is measurable: missed targets, disengaged colleagues, and turnover that rarely gets attributed to loss.
What is the difference between a bereavement policy and a process?
A policy is words on paper. A process is a structure with defined check-ins, accommodations, and clear expectations. Without a process, managers interpret policy differently, which creates inconsistent and often unfair outcomes. A strong process includes scheduled check-ins with the employee, guidance for the team, and accommodations like flexible hours or remote work.
How should managers respond to non-bloodline losses?
With the same care they would give any significant loss. Standard policies often exclude best friends, mentors, and chosen family, which sends an unintended message that the grief counts less. Culture matters more than policy here. Managers who acknowledge the loss, check in over time, and create space without requiring justification build the kind of trust that doesn't fade.
What should managers say instead of "call me if you need anything"?
Replace open-ended offers with specific, yes-or-no choices. Try: "Can I bring dinner, handle school pickup, or walk the dog this week? Pick one." Even better: show up and do it without asking permission. Long-term, set a check-in schedule and keep it. The real need often surfaces at month two or three, not in the first week. Don't wait for the employee to reach out first.
What does good return-to-work support look like for a grieving employee?
Record team calls during leave and share the links without requiring the employee to watch them. Before they return, ask who they trust, how they want the loss acknowledged, and what flexibility they might need. Have shadow support in place: someone taking notes and documenting decisions. On day one, acknowledge the loss briefly and make it clear the team is with them. Let the employee set the pace from there.
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