A Human Approach to Navigating Loss at Work
Matt Troskey · HR Leader · Troskey Fractional HR & Consulting
Summary
- Most organizations treat bereavement as a leave policy and a sympathy card. A real response requires culture, trusted networks, and systems built before loss forces the issue.
- The culture you have is the culture you will have in a crisis. Employees who already feel marginalized will not reach out for support when they need it most.
- The 2012 Tunnel Creek avalanche at Stevens Pass, a triple fatality, and multiple other workplace fatalities produced a bereavement response framework that became a gold standard shared to HR audiences across the region.
- The core reframe: bereavement response is not a policy checkbox. It is a culture signal that tells every employee whether this organization values them as a whole person.
- Immediate takeaway: replace "How are you?" with "Good to see you." After a major loss, employees are exhausted by performing wellness they do not feel. Remove the question entirely.
Who This Episode Is For
People managers, HR leaders, and anyone who has handled an employee death with nothing but a leave policy and a sympathy card.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- Why the standard three-day bereavement leave model fails grieving employees and what a real response program looks like instead
- How to build a network of chaplains, counselors, and benefits contacts before a fatality forces you to find them under pressure
- What empathy leave is and how to expand bereavement protections beyond immediate family to cover suicide, close friendships, and coworker loss
- Scripts and language managers can use with grieving employees that acknowledge pain without requiring false wellness in return
- How to train managers to recognize grief-related behavioral changes and respond without defaulting to a performance plan
- How HR leaders can support grieving employees without burning out, using compartmentalization, tight circles, and regenerative practices
- Why culture and belonging must be built before crisis, and what happens to organizations that skip this step
Key Takeaways
Build Your Network of Resources Before You Need Them
When a fatality happens, you do not have time to find chaplains, counselors, or benefits specialists. The relationships must already exist.
- Call your benefits or insurance contact now: ask whether your life insurance policy or EAP includes crisis counselors and whether someone can be dispatched within 24 hours.
- Reach out to local EMS, chaplain organizations, or grief counseling programs and ask whether they can partner with you and be available at short notice.
- Vet counselors for approach. Ensure they provide secular, trauma-informed support rather than prescribing a belief system to employees who may not share it.
- Consider on-site support in the months after a major loss. After Tunnel Creek, one chaplain was present two days per week for a full year.
- Highlight available benefits and counseling resources in regular team communications, not only when crisis has already arrived.
Expand Bereavement Leave to Cover All Types of Loss
Standard bereavement policy covers death of immediate family and little else. Loss is more complex, and inconsistent manager judgment makes the gap worse.
- Adopt empathy leave: coverage for any relationship where loss impacts an employee's ability to work, not just deaths on an approved list of family categories.
- Eliminate inconsistency. Two employees grieving the same friend should receive the same support regardless of their manager or department.
- A generous sick leave bank is a safety net employees notice. Knowing it exists before they need it changes how they experience the organization.
- Allow remote work and flexible arrangements in the weeks following loss, not just the first few days. Recovery does not run on a calendar.
- Think about the ROI. An employee in acute grief costs the organization more in errors and reduced output than generous leave ever would.
Most people would say the company did not get its money's worth out of me for six months after my dad died. The two months I was home with my mom, the company got a lot more value. Matt Troskey, Troskey Fractional HR & Consulting
Train Managers on What to Say and What Not to Say
Most managers default to "How are you?" which forces a false or exhausting response from someone in pain. Specific language removes that pressure.
- Replace "How are you?" with "Good to see you." It removes the requirement to perform wellness the person does not feel.
- For a more meaningful check-in, say "How are you today?" The timestamp makes the question less overwhelming than an open-ended ask.
- In the first 72 hours, grief is physiological. Ask how they slept, whether they are drinking water, whether they got outside. Start with the body.
- Teach managers to recognize how grief shows up at work: lateness, missed deadlines, withdrawal. When a strong performer slips, ask what is going on before opening a performance plan.
- Managers are not grief therapists. Their job is to notice, ask, and connect people to professional support.
Protect HR Leaders From Burnout While They Hold Space for Others
HR professionals absorb the emotional weight of crisis response. Without intention, that becomes burnout.
- Keep a radar screen of employees to check in with and update it daily. Proactively walk people toward counselors rather than waiting for self-referral.
- Process your own grief with 2-3 trusted people in a tight inner circle, not in isolation.
- Identify your regenerative practices before you need them: wilderness time, fitness, spiritual practice, therapy. Protect recovery time after an acute phase.
- Know your limits. Driving someone to a crisis center or calling 988 alongside them is a complete and appropriate response.
- Staff HR departments to absorb major events. This work does not look productive in a performance review, but it requires real energy. Build in that capacity.
Design a Bereavement Response Program, Not Just a Leave Policy
A real bereavement program includes culture work, manager training, benefits optimization, community outreach, and operational planning. Leave is the starting point, not the whole thing.
- Start with culture. Employees who already feel marginalized will not reach out in a crisis, no matter how many resources you announce.
- Review your EAP for real substance: access to counselors, crisis response capability, and ongoing resources. An EAP in name only does not hold people through loss.
- Create space for organic community responses. Someone will naturally gather photos or organize a remembrance. Provide logistics support without assigning the task.
- Gather stories and photos from coworkers to share with the family. Parents often want to know how their child showed up at work. This gesture costs nothing and means a great deal.
- Plan for operational continuity. Decide in advance who covers work when an employee is grieving, so redistribution does not feel like punishment.
About Matt Troskey
- HR leader and founder of Troskey Fractional HR & Consulting, bringing senior-level HR expertise to organizations navigating complex people and crisis challenges
- Led multiple workplace fatalities at Pacific Northwest ski resorts, including the 2012 Tunnel Creek avalanche at Stevens Pass. The triple fatality triggered a region-wide OSHA investigation and produced loss response standards adopted as a gold standard in the industry.
- Spent 10 years as an outdoor education instructor and served on a wildfire crew. Both roles shaped his approach to holding communities through acute stress and crisis.
- Completed formal chaplaincy training after Tunnel Creek to better serve grieving employees and families, grounding his framework in secular, trauma-informed practice.
Connect with Matt on LinkedIn →
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you build a bereavement response program from scratch?
Start with culture: employees must already feel they belong before they will reach out for support. Build your network of chaplains, counselors, and benefits contacts before a fatality forces you to find them. Define what empathy leave looks like, train managers on what to say, and plan for who covers work so grieving employees are not penalized for taking time.
What should a manager say to a grieving employee?
Say "Good to see you" instead of "How are you?" The latter forces a false or exhausting response. For a more meaningful check-in, try "How are you today?" In the first 72 hours, ask about sleep, food, and movement. Grief support for employees starts with the body before it reaches performance.
What is empathy leave and how is it different from bereavement leave?
Empathy leave extends bereavement protections beyond immediate family deaths to include suicide of a close friend, sudden death of a coworker, and other significant losses. It removes inconsistent manager judgment and ensures that two employees grieving the same person receive the same support regardless of their department or manager.
How do HR leaders avoid burnout while supporting grieving employees?
Build a tight inner circle of 2-3 trusted people for personal processing. Maintain a daily radar screen of employees to check in with. Know your limits: it is a complete response to drive someone to a crisis center or call 988 alongside them rather than attempt counseling you are not equipped to provide.
Why do standard bereavement leave policies fall short?
Standard three-day bereavement leave covers death of immediate family and little else. It excludes close friends, coworkers, suicide losses, and the physical and emotional recovery that extends well beyond the funeral. Forcing grieving employees back to full productivity too early costs the organization more in reduced output than a generous leave policy ever would.
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