How Loss Influences the Way We Lead
Christina Brady · CEO and Co-founder · Lustre, sales platform for account-based prospecting
Summary
- Every employee is an iceberg. Managers see the visible tip: performance, attitude, output. The hidden mass is grief, loss, and crisis that shapes how people show up every day.
- Grief doesn't shrink over time. Your life grows bigger around it. It will resurface when you least expect it, years after the loss.
- Comparing or measuring losses, deciding this one counts and that one doesn't, is one of the most harmful things a leader can do.
- "I'm fine" after a loss is shock, not recovery. Managers who stop checking in after week one miss the people who need them most.
- Bereavement policy should be a conversation, not a checklist. The employee knows what they need. Ask them and build a plan together.
Who This Episode Is For
Leaders and HR professionals who want to see beyond performance metrics and understand how personal loss shapes workplace behavior, especially when that loss is invisible.
What You'll Learn in This Episode
- Why grief doesn't follow a timeline and how to stop expecting employees to recover on one.
- How the iceberg model reframes what managers can and cannot see in their people.
- Why measuring and comparing losses is harmful and what to say instead.
- How to recognize the physical and mental signs of grief before they become performance issues.
- What a bereavement policy built around conversation rather than categories looks like.
- Why compartmentalization works until it doesn't, and what leaders can do to create safety before it breaks down.
Key Takeaways
Grief Doesn't Shrink. Your Life Grows Around It.
Most people expect grief to gradually shrink until it fades. That is not how grief works. It stays the size it was. Your life expands around it. And it will find you when you are not ready, years later.
- Grief is not a process with an end date. There is no fixed point at which someone is "over it."
- Life grows bigger around grief, but the grief itself doesn't diminish.
- Triggers are unpredictable: a song, a gesture, a familiar name, a child's hand that looks like someone gone.
- Years after a loss, a small moment can bring the full weight of it back without warning.
- Managers who expect employees to be recovered by week three are measuring the wrong thing.
- Grief resurfaces at work through anniversaries, ordinary days, and unexpected moments that no policy anticipates.
Stop Measuring and Comparing Losses
The instinct to rank grief, to decide this loss qualifies and that one doesn't, is one of the most damaging things leaders do. Grief has no scale. A child experiencing their first profound disappointment feels it as completely as an adult losing a parent.
- Comparative statements like "at least they're in a better place" signal that the grief should be smaller than it is.
- Phrases like "you can always try again" or "it was just a pet" minimize a real loss.
- When someone minimizes your grief, the message they send is: you shouldn't feel this much.
- Invisible grief including miscarriage, infertility, estrangement, and pet loss is grief too.
- The loss that matters is the one that matters to that person. That is the only measure that counts.
- The simplest and most honest response to someone's pain is often: "That really sucks. I'm listening."
"I'm Fine" Is Shock, Not Recovery
In the days right after a loss, people often report they are fine. They are in shock. The nervous system is protecting them from the full weight of what happened. Managers who accept "I'm fine" at face value miss the window when proactive support matters most.
- Shock masks grief. "I'm fine" in the first days is not the same as being fine.
- Don't ask grieving employees what they need. They are not in a state to problem-solve their own support.
- Offer specific choices instead: "Do you want me to check in regularly? Should the team know?"
- Other useful offers: different hours, remote work, privacy from colleagues, or adjusted responsibilities.
- Proactive check-ins don't need to be emotional conversations. A brief, regular check-in is enough to signal that you haven't forgotten.
- The goal is not to fix the grief. The goal is to make it safe to name when it surfaces.
Policy Should Be a Conversation, Not a Checklist
Standard bereavement tables tell employees how many days they get based on their relationship to the deceased. They rarely reflect what individuals actually need. Two employees experiencing the same loss might need completely different things. The policy can give automatic protection, but the outcome should follow a real conversation.
- Give two automatic business days of no-questions-asked leave as a starting point.
- After two days, ask what they actually need: two days total, two weeks, or something in between.
- The employee is the expert on their own grief. Trust them to say what they need.
- Effective bereavement policy combines a protected floor with a flexible conversation about individual need.
- Accommodations after the return matter just as much: adjusted hours, amended responsibilities, or a lighter evaluation period.
- One-size policies create the opposite problem from what they intend to solve.
Every Employee Is an Iceberg
Christina Brady lost both parents before age 21, spent months homeless during college, and experienced infertility and pregnancy loss while leading teams. Colleagues saw a strong performer. The rest was invisible. That is true of most people at work. The visible tip is not the whole story.
- What you see at work is behavior, output, and demeanor. What you don't see is the grief, loss, or crisis beneath it.
- The quiet colleague might be sleeping on trains. The top performer might be processing a pregnancy loss.
- Assume that everyone is carrying something you don't know about. Then lead accordingly.
- Judge behavior in the moment, not character. "That response wasn't safe. Let's find another way to process."
- Creating an environment where employees feel safe naming what they're carrying is the manager's real job.
- Culture is not what you post on a values page. It is what you do when someone is struggling and you didn't see it coming.
About Christina Brady
- CEO and co-founder of Lustre, with over a decade of leadership experience at companies including Glassdoor, Speckit, and Groupon.
- Lost both parents before her early twenties and spent six months homeless during college while paying for her education.
- Later navigated four years of infertility and multiple miscarriages while leading teams. None of it was visible to colleagues.
- Brings a background in improv performance and professional communication to her work on building psychologically safe teams.
Connect with Christina on LinkedIn →
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the iceberg model and why does it matter for managers?
The iceberg model separates what managers can see from what they cannot. The visible tip is performance and attitude. The hidden mass is grief, trauma, and personal crisis. Christina Brady lost both parents by age 20, navigated homelessness, and experienced infertility and miscarriage while leading teams. Colleagues saw a strong performer. The rest was invisible. Managers who stop at what they can see miss the biggest opportunity to support their people.
Does grief get smaller over time?
Grief doesn't get smaller. Your life grows bigger around it. Years after losing her mother, Christina can be playing with her son and notice he has her mother's hands. The full weight of the loss returns in that moment. Managers should expect grief to resurface long after the leave ends. Creating space for that, rather than expecting recovery on a fixed timeline, is what meaningful support looks like.
How should managers respond when an employee says "I'm fine" after a loss?
"I'm fine" right after a loss is usually shock, not recovery. Check in instead of waiting for the employee to reach out. Instead of asking what they need, offer specific choices: regular check-ins, different hours, remote work, or privacy from colleagues. The goal is to give options without asking someone in shock to problem-solve their own support.
What should bereavement policy look like in practice?
Give two automatic days of no-questions-asked leave as a baseline. After that, have a real conversation. Some employees need three days total. Others need three weeks. Accommodations after the return, flexible hours, adjusted responsibilities, or an amended evaluation period, matter as much as the initial leave. The employee knows what they need. Ask them.
What are the physical and mental signs of grief that managers should recognize?
Grief shows up as brain fog, memory lapses, physical exhaustion, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty focusing. These are symptoms of loss, not character flaws. A reliable employee who starts missing deadlines or seems distracted might be grieving. Managers who recognize these signs can respond with accommodation rather than performance management.
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